An Overweight Moth

Hi guys

I went to my GP this week to get my eyes looked at for something other than dizziness. For the past 2 years I have strangely been waking up every 4-5 weeks with an extremely painful right eye. The pain is quite unbearable, like a needle poking and scratching my eyeball. I wake up with my eye blood red and streaming heavily. The pain, redness and streaming eases off after about 8 hours each time and the next day I am completely back to normal until the next episode, about 4-5 weeks later. I did visit my doctor back in 2012 when it first started but he put it down to conjunctivitis which it obviously was not. So I have just  put up with it hoping that it eventually would disappear.
This past Monday I yet again awoke with the same pain and decided enough is enough. So I went to see a doctor I had never seen before. She told me I would be seen by an opthalmologist soon to get further tests concerning any nystagmus I may have causing or contributing to my dizziness and that they will also look at my eye because of the pain I am experiencing. In the meantime she sent me to my local optician to get a few basic tests done.

So yesterday I visited my local optician (something I should have done myself years ago really ) and she told me that the reason my eye is hurting is because I have a recurrent corneal abrasion. A tear in my cornea that for some reason will not heal. It seems that I have no pain for 4-5 weeks at a time because the scar tissue is healing but then when I go to sleep my eyes get dry and pulls open the tear. I tell you guys the pain is something else. We have all had a feeling of grit in the eye but this feels like 20 needles. She asked if I remember any time I may have injured my eye and I actually do remember an event.

About 2 years ago I was outside in my back yard, it was dark outside and I decided I would complete some basic vestibular exercises such as walking back and forth,shaking my head left to right whilst looking at my fingertip (as you do). The reason I went outside was because I thought the dark environment might further strain my vestibular system and make it work even harder (ridiculous really). Anyway there I was walking back and forth,shaking my head side to side and WHAM, what I can only describe as an extremely overweight moth flew straight into my eye. I assume it was a moth like creature but for all I know it could have been a bat with echolocation dysfunction performing it's nightly head exercises. What I do know was that it was a very heavy and hard impact. You guys can imagine what a shock to the wonky vestibular system that was. I was more concerned about not falling over than what just hit my eye. So I rubbed my eye and went back into the house and forgot about it until this week.

On the plus side my eyes are in very good health and I do not require glasses (not bad for 35). I did discuss prism glasses and how they might be able to help with vertical heterophoria and nystagmus but was told I do not display any need for prisms whatsoever. She saw no signs of any eye muscle issues but said that the eye specialist will do more delicate testing for nystagmus. She did say that if any nystagmus is still present and is causing my dizziness, unfortunately there is no cure (Great).

I will keep you posted

Take care guys

Swimmyhead

Up And Down

Hi guys

I have done my fair share of negative thinking over these last 8 years(can you blame me). I have felt depressed,hopeless,sad, isolated and I'll be honest with you I still have such feelings, only now the loss of what my life once was, the reality of what my life is and the hopelessness I feel towards my future are a background thought most days. Still,there really isn't a week that goes by when the reality of my situation doesn't hit home. My worst moments of course are when my dizziness and vertigo symptoms are at there worst.

I am not ashamed of feeling such emotions over the years (well maybe a little since I am a man and men are tough..... GRUNT). I am sure it is a perfectly normal response to a sudden and negative life altering event. A vestibular dysfunction diagnoses is the start of an emotional roller coaster. First you deal with the physical shock to the body(symptoms) then you have to deal with mental shock that the hellish altered reality before you is now your life. Then you spend everyday dealing with the physical and mental shock combined and ultimately will start mourning the loss of a lifestyle you once knew and the person you once were. There will be moments of hope(good days,a firm diagnoses) which then turns to moments of hopelessness (bad days, yet another diagnoses).There will be positive proactive moments (vestibular rehab,getting the medical test done) that turn into feelings of defeat (Vestibular rehab does't work, tests don't find anything). There will be days were you stand strong and fight on and other days you simply surrender. One day you will receive words of encouragement the next thoughtless flippant remarks and so on and so on. Your emotions will most likely be all over the place especially if you are a new arrival to planet vertigo. If your anything like me then your feelings will be up,down,up,down,up,down,up,down................................. all the while having to try and put your best foot forward with your head held high appearing like a normal functioning human being.

One of the hardest aspects of living with a chronic and invisible condition like dizziness and vertigo is the ACT of ACTING like there is nothing wrong. I have been acting now for 8 years I might well deserve an Oscar.

Having to deal with all of this and much more has been very difficult and can still be difficult after all this time but it does get better. You will have less symptomatic days (even though it might not feel like it right now). You will have happy days and laugh. I think the best  thing to do when your symptoms are bad is simply surrender to it. Sit back and say "come on then, do your worst" and accept that on this day,this week or this month it just is. Take it easy and do what ever you have to do to get through such moments. I take advantage of the better days and go for a walk, work out and interact with others and it's the dizziness that is shouting "come on then,do your worst" to me

The situation you and me are in (presuming your reading this cause you are also dizzy) is a dilemma to say the least but I have hope. Even though that hope continues to turn into hopelessness from time to time I cling to it and it's hopefulness that is mostly in the front of my mind these days whilst the hopelessness and the negative emotions spend most of the time in the background.

Brick By Brick

Swimmyhead