Up And Down

Hi guys

I have done my fair share of negative thinking over these last 8 years(can you blame me). I have felt depressed,hopeless,sad, isolated and I'll be honest with you I still have such feelings, only now the loss of what my life once was, the reality of what my life is and the hopelessness I feel towards my future are a background thought most days. Still,there really isn't a week that goes by when the reality of my situation doesn't hit home. My worst moments of course are when my dizziness and vertigo symptoms are at there worst.

I am not ashamed of feeling such emotions over the years (well maybe a little since I am a man and men are tough..... GRUNT). I am sure it is a perfectly normal response to a sudden and negative life altering event. A vestibular dysfunction diagnoses is the start of an emotional roller coaster. First you deal with the physical shock to the body(symptoms) then you have to deal with mental shock that the hellish altered reality before you is now your life. Then you spend everyday dealing with the physical and mental shock combined and ultimately will start mourning the loss of a lifestyle you once knew and the person you once were. There will be moments of hope(good days,a firm diagnoses) which then turns to moments of hopelessness (bad days, yet another diagnoses).There will be positive proactive moments (vestibular rehab,getting the medical test done) that turn into feelings of defeat (Vestibular rehab does't work, tests don't find anything). There will be days were you stand strong and fight on and other days you simply surrender. One day you will receive words of encouragement the next thoughtless flippant remarks and so on and so on. Your emotions will most likely be all over the place especially if you are a new arrival to planet vertigo. If your anything like me then your feelings will be up,down,up,down,up,down,up,down................................. all the while having to try and put your best foot forward with your head held high appearing like a normal functioning human being.

One of the hardest aspects of living with a chronic and invisible condition like dizziness and vertigo is the ACT of ACTING like there is nothing wrong. I have been acting now for 8 years I might well deserve an Oscar.

Having to deal with all of this and much more has been very difficult and can still be difficult after all this time but it does get better. You will have less symptomatic days (even though it might not feel like it right now). You will have happy days and laugh. I think the best  thing to do when your symptoms are bad is simply surrender to it. Sit back and say "come on then, do your worst" and accept that on this day,this week or this month it just is. Take it easy and do what ever you have to do to get through such moments. I take advantage of the better days and go for a walk, work out and interact with others and it's the dizziness that is shouting "come on then,do your worst" to me

The situation you and me are in (presuming your reading this cause you are also dizzy) is a dilemma to say the least but I have hope. Even though that hope continues to turn into hopelessness from time to time I cling to it and it's hopefulness that is mostly in the front of my mind these days whilst the hopelessness and the negative emotions spend most of the time in the background.

Brick By Brick

Swimmyhead