8 years

It's been 8 years, 8 bloody years this past Monday that I woke up in this vertigo ridden altered state. You would think I would except my fate by now and would have learned to live with this condition but I have not and never will. It's not a condition you can learn to live with. It changes and morphs hour to hour there is no constant or steady baseline you can get used to with this illness. The years seem to be flying by yet at the same time they have been the longest and most difficult I have experienced. This 35 year old is very different to the healthy 27 year old back then. If someone had told me back then what my fate was I would have run a thousand miles away. I wouldn't have believed that I could endure so much mental and physical hardship. So much has changed and so much has been lost during these past 8 years. I have lost my independence, lost a several year relationship,lost confidence and of course any sense of well being. I've been standing still whilst the world and people around me move on. Friends and family doing their thing whilst I am on the sidelines.

Of course having unrelenting vertigo and dizziness is a physical challenge but it's been extremely tough mentally. For example, it took 2 years for me to be offered an MRI so because of this I spent the first two years with constant worry wondering in the back of my mind if I had a brain tumor or something else sinister. Thinking like that and dealing with the physical problems daily was no easy task.  Trying to explain my condition over and over again to friends, family,many different doctors and acquaintances has been exhausting. Waking up everyday and having to live life and "get on" in a world that looks and feels completely wrong has been a true test of will power that only I and other sufferers can truly appreciate. 

Over the years I have shouted and said things I wish I had not, I have had moments when I have lost my temper due to the unrelenting symptoms. All through frustration and because there are times when I have felt completely alone. It's been a test to bite my lip upon hearing the many thoughtless, off the cuff remarks about my condition from others. I have felt a burden, a failure  and ridiculous. Trust me to come down with a rare and unbelievable condition. Couldn't I have just broken my leg or got measles instead. Why me? I've wondered over and over again. It was physically and mentally challenging completing vestibular rehabilitation numerous times to no avail. It's been tough to except that all the daily working out I do (still do) to retrain my brain has so far not cured me. It's been hard sticking to a boring diet in the hope of significant improvement in balance and well being but getting nothing back. 

All in all it's been a very difficult journey with some very low moments but sitting here today 8 years on I am in some small way very proud of myself for having endured the numerous symptoms minute after minute,hour after hour. I am proud of myself for getting up everyday and battling on especially on those severe days when I am so dizzy I can hardly move my head never mind holding a conversation or walking down the street. I am proud of myself for committing to moving and working out everyday to better myself even though I am still waiting for a result. I am proud of the inner strength I have displayed throughout this time. I am proud of going through all the doctors and hospital visits, scary tests and physical exams. I am proud that I have endured all these things and more and can still laugh. 

No one in my circle has experienced my condition. They may have felt the effects but none truly knows what I go through daily.Only I know what this condition has taken from me, Only I have experienced the unrelenting symptoms and disorientation. Only I truly understand the strength and will power I have had to muster just to get through each day with this invisible illness. I am not that healthy care free 27 year old I once was but I am a stronger, more patient and appreciative 35 year old. I might not look like it on the outside, to others it may appear that I don't do much but I  know everyday I try my best and do what I can do. I am a fighter and in some small way I am proud of me.

I'm gonna get there and so will you. Keep fighting

Swimmyhead