What on earth do I have to do?

Not feeling very good at all tonight. My head is full and pressured and my vision is fuzzy. The sensation of being pushed and pulled is back in full swing. Just moving my head an inch is causing me to feel like I am falling or that the floor is moving from underneath me. I have just got back home from a 5 minute walk around my estate. It was not very pleasant at all. It is dark outside and that ramps up the vertigo and disorientation up a notch. My head is very sensitive indeed.

I have walked the estate a thousand times over the years since my vertigo began and many times I had to psych myself up just to walk those 5 minutes because it was so difficult and such a disorientating balancing act to do so. I guess I am bummed out tonight because after all my effort and all this time I am still having to feel like this much of the time. I have had better days this past 12 months or so but am never ever free of the sensations and walking around my estate just now almost feels like I am back to square one. What on earth do I have to do?

I have taken medications given to me, Undergone all the tests available to me, completed vestibular rehabilitation numerous times and recently started to exercise as much as I can tolerate which is pretty good going given the fact I have chronic vertigo. I have eaten correctly and time has certainly gone by but here I am dealing with the same issues day after day, week after week and year after year. Nights like this make me wonder why I keep trying and putting in so much effort. If only people knew how bad I feel daily they would wonder how the hell I keep going and keep trying so hard.

If people have seen me stroll by on nights like this they wouldn't have a clue anything was wrong. They wouldn't see a man struggling to maintain his balance, struggling to visually focus and observe the world and all that is going on around him, they do not know that this man's walking in a world very different to theirs, a world where solid buildings bend and breathe, where the floor dips and slides with every step or shift of balance, a world that morphs and sways, a world that is so disorientating and relentless. Know one knows except the few of us how hard it is!

I know some days recently have been better and I am thankful but I am just sick to death with it. Tired of opening my eyes and having to do another 24 hours of vertigo,dizziness,motion intolerance, whatever you want to call this thing. Sick of having to tolerate any level of dizziness.

Hopefully Ill be a little more upbeat and optimistic for my next post. Rant over

Swimmyhead